I am the toxins running through your blood
I am your teeth grinding in your sleep
fingers wrap around the letters you speak
you talk for hours in your mind
and you blurt the truths you rely on
and I sit there and listen

Don't tell me to shut my mouth cause you don't like what I have to say
Treat me like I am some sort of sssstray
Boy, you got it comin' to ya when you kiss and tell
Treatin' every girl like there your queen
Thats gonna getcha in trouble
Your going to break some hearts like you've never seen
Driving the death mobile down to hell
You cover your emptiness with a bottle of your best alcohol
I've seen you and you seem so sincere but why waste it on getting wasted
Life is so little for you, you watch it pass and sleep it away

Baby boy, those lips quiver, lost in the land of adulterous lovers
You've got a baby of your own to take care of now
Hanging a cigarette from your mouth you recite your worst fears
It makes you sick but you can't quit, not just yet
Addictions set in, its set in now
Played a jokers game and lost yourself in the cards
You called it, I wish for your life not to be so blue
I wish for you not to feel abandoned as you do
I wish you could look deeper then just to the bottom of your coffee cup

My release, my only release
you kept me from hurting myself
in you, I find I'm in the ocean swimming
turn the music up loud and not care whose around
I want to get lost in you

I crumbled, yes the bottom fell out
Yes, I've truely failed this time without a doubt
Woke up in an apartment I can't even call home
I took for granted what we had when you were here, not when I was alone
Everyone who cares, Everyone whose close leaves
All I can say is I wanted us to fail together, I believe
They built those cracks for us to slide through
They clipped our wings that we once flew
Is this how its suppose to feel? 
When your just waiting to heal
Now your suceeding...good for you
I'll be here with hardley a future to look to
With expectations of growing old and weak
With my elders past to repeat
I hope you can find yourself, if your stranded in the city
Thats where I want to be, only to be surrounded by people

Your so beautiful
and you made a mark on me
your so curious and child-like
makes me wish thats what we could be
You loved everyone and found beauty in the smallest things
It only makes my heart encounter new beginnings
"I think she needed that, a love she could never have. Its something only poets dream"
but its something only the remarkably depressed concieve
it never ends on a good note
it never ends in detail
it never ends with a goodbye
it always ends with questions
he wears your glasses, he has your accent
you just laugh, laugh it off you never knew what I meant
we can't talk anymore without awkward silence
we both put up a similar fence
someday I'll use a megaphone and communicate the beauty I once saw
someday we'll all be in awe

Your jacket hangs from off the sholder to casually shy
my smile makes you wonder why
5 fingers up high makes a world of difference in these times
Its all worth it, its all worth it to go through these trials
But the scenerio is always changing and the mind is never set in stone
so we long for violence and long for the idea of not being alone
vicious mouths create bitter tounges but atleast we have something to talk about
otherwise we cower at the thought of silence, likewise doubt

I should have known I could ever have you, kid
not to hold, not to see
I always imagine what it would be like
if you hadn't torn me apart inside
if you should walk into a door and have a room filled with empty smiles
may you feel not welcome as I felt with you
I hope if someday I'm on a tv screen
close your eyes and blast the volume to 17
you listen to every tone and pitch
every last phone conversation that we never missed
you'll regret me like I regret you
we'll agree at the most complacent thought
pull the shutters closed and fall asleep again
dream a nightmare that will never end
when you have the same dream as I had of you
maybe you will realize whats haunting too

saw you on the tv screen
almost felt like a dream
and the feelings inside feel unreal
I only wish you've felt the way I feel
sympathetic but absurd I can't rise the same again
I just can't my friend
I hope things are better for you in that world
don't become a part of their hold
the ceiling must give you room enough to breath
the walls must not close in on you, or atleast you believe
if I have one last attempt at something clean
I only want for you to be redeemed

trust and obey, another mark in my pay, more time has past
why is everyone moving so fast?
Feels like the world is spinning but I'm on the ground
another happy face makes another pleased sound
What am I left to do? sit around and hope that these dreams come true
I'm not rich, I'm not smart, I'm not brave, but I'm not a fool
I wish for all these things but to be jealous is to be cruel
please burn this imprint into me
it will never make me feel empty
spit out the blood i've been keeping inside my mouth for years
hopefully we can still be friends after I release my fears
trust and obey, another mark in my pay, more time has past
why is everyone moving so fast?
I live the failures dream, to be lost among the stream
to live in the state lines, to not worry about the good times
so scared to let go of one little thing I've found
I put aside everything else, to be with that one person
I've been denied everything else has rights to
Now there is nothing left for me to do
but trust and obey.

I gave you hope, what right did I have when I have no hope at all
I've given all I had to a failing market
I pretend to agree with the majority and watch the world fall to pieces
watch the world, its like its spinning without me
the mirror has become an enemy
you drew on it your uncompromising words
and I drew answers to your questions
beauty is only skin deep, I wish I was just as pretty
the residue of the past has made its mark on me
hold your hands over your ears, you already have your own stories
I have none to tell, I haven't lived a life worth speaking of
its ok, I'd rather you not know me
I regret to inform you I don't feel very charming
I hope your happy in your world of fake glee, when I'm sitting here feeling empty
held with restraints, I am force fed the lies
of how its good to live the "normal life"
I've never been normal and that sure as hell won't change
I guess I'll sleep it off, thats what I've been told to do

Theres no use in staring at those pictures anymore
no matter how hard I try,I just need to turn a blind eye
while I am here with some dirty linens
They hug you,they squeeze you and hold you tight
and your family is one of a kind
no matter how much I try to reject this feeling
it kills me
theres days that go by when I long for that kind of touch
no ones life is perfect....except maybe for yours
you have options and I.....don't
I must seek the chances for sailing like this
come on chances...I'm waiting
as negativity spirals down on me as I sit in my room
I try to put myself in a better place
one where I am out of this place
I'm not a copycat by any means but I would drop it all to live like you
I've been shot down like I'm the eye of a target
its better than the rings around it right?? no one really hits the target

my mind is ever changing,its too bad you have to be involved in it
change,change,change everything
I can't make up my mind
but I really never can
I watch them and they make me feel so strange
shouldn't I be like them?...but I'm not
playful hands,enchanted eyes and slight noises
she said I hope you find better and I was mad at her
but maybe she was right..maybe I'm mad at myself
He must have been right when he told me to wait
What does he know? Has he ever loved like I have?
the one says he knows its real and its time to set it in stone
I'm sorry but I can do that when I'm still so indecisive
I wish you were the same as me down to the t
but it scares me how you already have the world
and I'm still just a little girl or atleast in my head
knowing what you want to do with life is a very satisfying thing

why does the pain feel like the needle of which my blood came circulating down
why should I feel any different when I've made the same mistakes just with different people
that you could exchange the want and need to feel surrounded with not just one
thats what disgusts me
but I am disgusted in myself as well
what tainted things I've seen and done,I hope the well water can clean my eyes of their crimes
what sadistic things I've said to feel better about myself
maybe I'm so wounded because I can't imagine you seeing worse things than I
we're so screwed up,we're so unfair to a God who loves us
we're wearing masks maybe to cover up our ugly identities
and shawls made of cashmere to cover up our burlap clothes
painted the chains in stained glass colors,maybe to look a bit more holy
I've slept in a bed that many others have before,maybe i shouldn't feel this way
but I feel like another one of them,another casualty
I've burned a hole though the cashmere and the real me is showing through
I hope you can still love me though tattered and torn
your innocence is gone
I felt compelled to make up for their mistakes to you

My fondest memory of you:
walking along the lake by a fence and considering what politics had to do with religion..and so forth

your so anti,anti everything
and I'm still living in the past
of photographs and post cards
what made you change,you just don't care anymore
time to settle down,but what for?
given up the old you for something more comfortable
I just don't understand why certain things are so important to you
you smiled at old video-tapes
it was suttle but I could defiantly feel it was real
I guess I'm immature cause I still care about these things
is it too much or is it not enough?
is my heart drawn to a old picture when you tore down that post
you painted with your fingers a happier life
I wish I could help you make up those forgotten years but I can't
do you miss her?
do you miss life?
do you miss having connections and living the good life?
I could just be content here talking to you
It feels so good to laugh and joke about it
smile with your teeth showing this time
your so anti,anti everything
and I'm so passive aggressive I can hardly stand it
maybe its what so different about us that makes us agree
though I honestly wish we could  be the same

I don't know why I don't know what to do with my life..
maybe I wasen't pushed enough as a child
maybe I'm too young to know that yet(though most people my age have some idea)
maybe I've been put down too many times for what I do want to do so now I have to have a back up plan
I'm asking God to guide me,right now I'm just walking without direction
I don't know what I am good at
"You can't do that,its pointless...you'll have no future"
"Its hard to get into that field if your a girl,I wouldn't bother"
"look at my career,do you seriously want to be doing that"
"that makes no money...you need money to survive"
so I haven't even started,I've lost whatever fire of passion I had
that little creature called shyness has held me back
that person inside says "you can't do it your a failure,look you tried and were shot down..just forget about it!"
I know,I know...stop having that mind-set
but its hard,its so very hard
when I was told for many years that I was worthless
I'm not worthless
if I can't do what I want,PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD DO
'cause I am so sick and tired of not knowing,You go ahead and tell me
Would you like me to be an office secretary...live day to day wanting to smash my brains out with my keyboard
or maybe I should try retail,being a little slave for a big corporation who wants to take over the world and put out small businesses
or you know what might be even better...trying to become a manager of some sort to have people complain to me all the live long day
Got any other suggestions??
I'm kind of annoyed of these little suggestions...they bother me sometimes
when I've told people I don't want a 9-5..they say "well good luck having money"
what if I'd rather be true to myself,than true to others
Do you care to tell me what to do with my life now?
I don't think so