Gabby Disaster

Black widow

2009-10-09T03:52:19Z

I am the toxins running through your blood
I am your teeth grinding in your sleep
fingers wrap around the letters you speak
you talk for hours in your mind
and you blurt the truths you rely on
and I sit there and listen

no_victory @ 2009-08-19T21:38:00

2009-08-20T01:44:44Z

Don't tell me to shut my mouth cause you don't like what I have to say
Treat me like I am some sort of sssstray
Boy, you got it comin' to ya when you kiss and tell
Treatin' every girl like there your queen
Thats gonna getcha in trouble
Your going to break some hearts like you've never seen
Driving the death mobile down to hell
You cover your emptiness with a bottle of your best alcohol
I've seen you and you seem so sincere but why waste it on getting wasted
Life is so little for you, you watch it pass and sleep it away

Baby boy, those lips quiver, lost in the land of adulterous lovers
You've got a baby of your own to take care of now
Hanging a cigarette from your mouth you recite your worst fears
It makes you sick but you can't quit, not just yet
Addictions set in, its set in now
Played a jokers game and lost yourself in the cards
You called it, I wish for your life not to be so blue
I wish for you not to feel abandoned as you do
I wish you could look deeper then just to the bottom of your coffee cup

no_victory @ 2009-02-07T17:56:00

2009-02-07T23:06:39Z

My release, my only release
you kept me from hurting myself
in you, I find I'm in the ocean swimming
turn the music up loud and not care whose around
I want to get lost in you

no_victory @ 2008-12-17T01:48:00

2008-12-17T07:09:25Z

refresh my memory on what you said
refresh my mind on what you did
chastise me for what I've done
but you are the one who dragged me down to this place
I hate the monster I've become
your one who should have been replaced
I guess I have to be the strong one when it comes to this
though I am weaker than the two of us combined
the behavior displayed, you never dismissed
I slipped into the point of no return and you didn't mind
do you remember what we talked about before?
did you want it to end up this way?
I wish you could have told me not to loose control

no_victory @ 2008-12-10T01:19:00

2008-12-10T06:22:34Z

I crumbled, yes the bottom fell out
Yes, I've truely failed this time without a doubt
Woke up in an apartment I can't even call home
I took for granted what we had when you were here, not when I was alone
Everyone who cares, Everyone whose close leaves
All I can say is I wanted us to fail together, I believe
They built those cracks for us to slide through
They clipped our wings that we once flew
Is this how its suppose to feel?
When your just waiting to heal
Now your suceeding...good for you
I'll be here with hardley a future to look to
With expectations of growing old and weak
With my elders past to repeat
I hope you can find yourself, if your stranded in the city
Thats where I want to be, only to be surrounded by people

no_victory @ 2008-10-31T00:08:00

2008-10-31T04:25:49Z

Your so beautiful
and you made a mark on me
your so curious and child-like
makes me wish thats what we could be
You loved everyone and found beauty in the smallest things
It only makes my heart encounter new beginnings
"I think she needed that, a love she could never have. Its something only poets dream"
but its something only the remarkably depressed concieve
it never ends on a good note
it never ends in detail
it never ends with a goodbye
it always ends with questions
he wears your glasses, he has your accent
you just laugh, laugh it off you never knew what I meant
we can't talk anymore without awkward silence
we both put up a similar fence
someday I'll use a megaphone and communicate the beauty I once saw
someday we'll all be in awe

no_victory @ 2008-10-24T13:03:00

2008-10-25T05:21:05Z

Your jacket hangs from off the sholder to casually shy
my smile makes you wonder why
5 fingers up high makes a world of difference in these times
Its all worth it, its all worth it to go through these trials
But the scenerio is always changing and the mind is never set in stone
so we long for violence and long for the idea of not being alone
vicious mouths create bitter tounges but atleast we have something to talk about
otherwise we cower at the thought of silence, likewise doubt

no_victory @ 2008-09-19T14:31:00

2008-09-19T18:40:03Z

I should have known I could ever have you, kid
not to hold, not to see
I always imagine what it would be like
if you hadn't torn me apart inside
if you should walk into a door and have a room filled with empty smiles
may you feel not welcome as I felt with you
I hope if someday I'm on a tv screen
close your eyes and blast the volume to 17
you listen to every tone and pitch
every last phone conversation that we never missed
you'll regret me like I regret you
we'll agree at the most complacent thought
pull the shutters closed and fall asleep again
dream a nightmare that will never end
when you have the same dream as I had of you
maybe you will realize whats haunting too

no_victory @ 2008-08-31T23:30:00

2008-09-01T03:42:14Z

saw you on the tv screen
almost felt like a dream
and the feelings inside feel unreal
I only wish you've felt the way I feel
sympathetic but absurd I can't rise the same again
I just can't my friend
I hope things are better for you in that world
don't become a part of their hold
the ceiling must give you room enough to breath
the walls must not close in on you, or atleast you believe
if I have one last attempt at something clean
I only want for you to be redeemed

no_victory @ 2008-06-19T00:32:00

2008-06-19T04:43:43Z

code red, code blue
nothing matters to you
and all the smiles and laughter only exceeds my attention
theres only so much to mention
I don't know why it matters so much to me
but when you speak, I don't want another empty apology
and its not your fault at that
I'm sick of being sick of not being so social
but who is there to socialize with?

ya I would write more but I am tired, another half-minded poem

trust and obey

2008-05-12T21:01:54Z

trust and obey, another mark in my pay, more time has past
why is everyone moving so fast?
Feels like the world is spinning but I'm on the ground
another happy face makes another pleased sound
What am I left to do? sit around and hope that these dreams come true
I'm not rich, I'm not smart, I'm not brave, but I'm not a fool
I wish for all these things but to be jealous is to be cruel
please burn this imprint into me
it will never make me feel empty
spit out the blood i've been keeping inside my mouth for years
hopefully we can still be friends after I release my fears
trust and obey, another mark in my pay, more time has past
why is everyone moving so fast?
I live the failures dream, to be lost among the stream
to live in the state lines, to not worry about the good times
so scared to let go of one little thing I've found
I put aside everything else, to be with that one person
I've been denied everything else has rights to
Now there is nothing left for me to do
but trust and obey.

no_victory @ 2008-03-04T20:43:00

2008-03-05T02:23:55Z

I gave you hope, what right did I have when I have no hope at all
I've given all I had to a failing market
I pretend to agree with the majority and watch the world fall to pieces
watch the world, its like its spinning without me
the mirror has become an enemy
you drew on it your uncompromising words
and I drew answers to your questions
beauty is only skin deep, I wish I was just as pretty
the residue of the past has made its mark on me
hold your hands over your ears, you already have your own stories
I have none to tell, I haven't lived a life worth speaking of
its ok, I'd rather you not know me
I regret to inform you I don't feel very charming
I hope your happy in your world of fake glee, when I'm sitting here feeling empty
held with restraints, I am force fed the lies
of how its good to live the "normal life"
I've never been normal and that sure as hell won't change
I guess I'll sleep it off, thats what I've been told to do

no_victory @ 2008-02-08T22:13:00

2008-02-09T03:33:39Z

And so you manifested yourself again, like a child that wants attention
Your laughter is what drew me to you, the way you could always come up with it too
I have never met anyone quite like you and I do declare I probably never will again
I threw a little piece of you away and at the time it felt so good but now it feels needed for the day
I just can't get by, I just can't figure out, how your the only person I wanted to talk with again
The wine you drank shimmered in the light a crescent red, and I just can't get that out of my head
At the time I thought you were strange but now I think your one of a kind
I remember thinking you'd be an attractive older man
your hands, your veins there driving me insane....I just can't remember what I said...
to you..to make....you forget...me
The letters you wrote now laminated to remind me of what I lost, but those self help books don't lie
"Its time to move on". Its so hard.
At least if I..had some closure to a question, it would be a little bit easier to swallow
You would scream and shout and I always wondered why. What made you so tense to act like such a fool.
It was me. It was me. I made the situation become a celebration.
Just please promise me, If you are reading this, You'll drive all night alone
maybe you can know how it feels to feel completely insatiably empty
I never cried so hard as the day you let me down, so down low that my earth was the ground
all you said was I wanted to say goodbye but you left without decently trying

no_victory @ 2008-01-18T19:45:00

2008-01-19T01:20:44Z

Theres no use in staring at those pictures anymore
no matter how hard I try,I just need to turn a blind eye
while I am here with some dirty linens
They hug you,they squeeze you and hold you tight
and your family is one of a kind
no matter how much I try to reject this feeling
it kills me
theres days that go by when I long for that kind of touch
no ones life is perfect....except maybe for yours
you have options and I.....don't
I must seek the chances for sailing like this
come on chances...I'm waiting
as negativity spirals down on me as I sit in my room
I try to put myself in a better place
one where I am out of this place
I'm not a copycat by any means but I would drop it all to live like you
I've been shot down like I'm the eye of a target
its better than the rings around it right?? no one really hits the target

no_victory @ 2008-01-12T00:08:00

2008-01-12T05:40:06Z

my mind is ever changing,its too bad you have to be involved in it
change,change,change everything
I can't make up my mind
but I really never can
I watch them and they make me feel so strange
shouldn't I be like them?...but I'm not
playful hands,enchanted eyes and slight noises
she said I hope you find better and I was mad at her
but maybe she was right..maybe I'm mad at myself
He must have been right when he told me to wait
What does he know? Has he ever loved like I have?
the one says he knows its real and its time to set it in stone
I'm sorry but I can do that when I'm still so indecisive
I wish you were the same as me down to the t
but it scares me how you already have the world
and I'm still just a little girl or atleast in my head
knowing what you want to do with life is a very satisfying thing

no_victory @ 2007-12-26T14:25:00

2007-12-26T20:14:13Z

why does the pain feel like the needle of which my blood came circulating down
why should I feel any different when I've made the same mistakes just with different people
that you could exchange the want and need to feel surrounded with not just one
thats what disgusts me
but I am disgusted in myself as well
what tainted things I've seen and done,I hope the well water can clean my eyes of their crimes
what sadistic things I've said to feel better about myself
maybe I'm so wounded because I can't imagine you seeing worse things than I
we're so screwed up,we're so unfair to a God who loves us
we're wearing masks maybe to cover up our ugly identities
and shawls made of cashmere to cover up our burlap clothes
painted the chains in stained glass colors,maybe to look a bit more holy
I've slept in a bed that many others have before,maybe i shouldn't feel this way
but I feel like another one of them,another casualty
I've burned a hole though the cashmere and the real me is showing through
I hope you can still love me though tattered and torn
your innocence is gone
I felt compelled to make up for their mistakes to you

not really a poem but whatever

2007-12-24T03:40:38Z

My fondest memory of you:
walking along the lake by a fence and considering what politics had to do with religion..and so forth

no_victory @ 2007-12-23T22:25:00

2007-12-24T03:37:46Z

your so anti,anti everything
and I'm still living in the past
of photographs and post cards
what made you change,you just don't care anymore
time to settle down,but what for?
given up the old you for something more comfortable
I just don't understand why certain things are so important to you
you smiled at old video-tapes
it was suttle but I could defiantly feel it was real
I guess I'm immature cause I still care about these things
is it too much or is it not enough?
is my heart drawn to a old picture when you tore down that post
you painted with your fingers a happier life
I wish I could help you make up those forgotten years but I can't
do you miss her?
do you miss life?
do you miss having connections and living the good life?
I could just be content here talking to you
It feels so good to laugh and joke about it
smile with your teeth showing this time
your so anti,anti everything
and I'm so passive aggressive I can hardly stand it
maybe its what so different about us that makes us agree
though I honestly wish we could be the same

chew on that

2007-12-23T18:56:54Z

I don't know why I don't know what to do with my life..
maybe I wasen't pushed enough as a child
maybe I'm too young to know that yet(though most people my age have some idea)
maybe I've been put down too many times for what I do want to do so now I have to have a back up plan
I'm asking God to guide me,right now I'm just walking without direction
I don't know what I am good at
"You can't do that,its pointless...you'll have no future"
"Its hard to get into that field if your a girl,I wouldn't bother"
"look at my career,do you seriously want to be doing that"
"that makes no money...you need money to survive"
so I haven't even started,I've lost whatever fire of passion I had
that little creature called shyness has held me back
that person inside says "you can't do it your a failure,look you tried and were shot down..just forget about it!"
I know,I know...stop having that mind-set
but its hard,its so very hard
when I was told for many years that I was worthless
I'm not worthless
if I can't do what I want,PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD DO
'cause I am so sick and tired of not knowing,You go ahead and tell me
Would you like me to be an office secretary...live day to day wanting to smash my brains out with my keyboard
or maybe I should try retail,being a little slave for a big corporation who wants to take over the world and put out small businesses
or you know what might be even better...trying to become a manager of some sort to have people complain to me all the live long day
Got any other suggestions??
I'm kind of annoyed of these little suggestions...they bother me sometimes
when I've told people I don't want a 9-5..they say "well good luck having money"
what if I'd rather be true to myself,than true to others
Do you care to tell me what to do with my life now?
I don't think so

WARNING:this may offend

2007-12-20T02:29:12Z

"Thou shalt not kill" does not apply to murder of one's own kind only, but to all living beings; and this Commandment was inscribed in the human breast long before it was proclaimed from Sinai."-~Leo Tolstoy
who will speak for those with no voices
will they have to moan in agony by themselves?
alone and cold,tired and in pain
why do you treat them like they are below us?
why would you ever think God made these creatures to suffer?
I am appalled that you would say such cruel things about them
that you would treat them as a part of your sport or your meal
I would like to see how you would feel,if you were treated the way they are
I know God is looking down on the earth crying
for all the lives lost and people who are too blind to see it
This crime will never be justified
This crime is pure evil
and those who choose to be deaf,choose to not hear
should try to understand how it feels

love that stands tests

2007-12-20T02:16:33Z

Love comes in many forms
not even one,can I understand
I hear it shouted and spread out as if its the kissing disease
I heard you say it to her
I heard you say it to him
there's love thats abused and even one that picks favorites
one that takes on the color of red and blue
forced into the feeling...I am oblivious now
if you want to hear my definition listen closely
I believe love stands many tests
I think that if you were drowning,love would save you
When you are angry,love will calm you
love would pick you up when you are feeling low
I'm scared that I might have found that type of love
Not only from God but also from someone else
I want to run,Oh God..I want to run so far
but it won't solve the equation at the momentum its been coming
what are you suppose to do when your the only one who feels this true
when everyone around thinks your loosing it
maybe I've just fallen so hard I can't get up
under the bridge I will sit and think about this
maybe I can stream in some good thoughts

no_victory @ 2007-12-03T00:15:00

2007-12-03T05:30:43Z

Lord,Heres my prayer tonight
I hope its ok that its not traditional
I hope you don't think less of me of how I've been feeling lately
O God I lay awake and I feel lonely
More lonely then I've felt before
I was thinking about going to heaven
I was thinking about what they say its like
Right now God,I hope its not like what they say
because I want to just lay in your arms
for you to love on me
for nothing else to matter
when your eyes look at mine,you look at me like nothing else in the world matters
would you be ok with that?
Would it be ok if I just laid there,not praising or praying
but to just be content with the thought that you love me
I'm such a stranger on this earth,wayfaring and lost
I know you will take care of me,no matter what cost
I'm sorry if I hurt you
I don't deserve any of this
but I just want to be forgiven
so I can call you father again

no_victory @ 2007-11-29T22:17:00

2007-11-30T03:29:34Z

Oh my dear,we use to be brothers and sisters
what happened?
now we're sons and daughters,mothers and fathers
lovers and enemies
what happened?,what happened?, WHAT HAPPENED??
one arm around me,the other in your pocket
why are we still so far apart
even when daylight breaks,why does it have to take a crazy objection
to bring us together
why is it so hard to love each other
we stray far away into the tall grass where no deer would even stray
season of the hunted,seasoned like we're doing wrong
I want for us to live,like truly live
Spiritual revival,a raising of the dead
why are you all lying down,why aren't you getting up?
I am no different then you I am evil,I am lustful,I am not clean
But its his blood that washes me not my own self
so pour that blood down,pour it all over me
pour it over us so that we may see
Why can't we join together,why is it so hard?
Come on brothers,come now sisters
don't leave me all alone to fight the battle and the wars

no_victory @ 2007-11-08T20:10:00

2007-11-09T01:27:21Z

Is it so bad to want something I'll never have
All I want is for you to walk the skylights that shimmer across the stained tile floor
I wish I knew you when you were younger,when you were still full of life
when we could go out and gleam like two pretty kids from the back of the scene
We were something,we were really something
Now we sit around and wait for luxuries to entertain us
I want to ride around the city,find something to do
I've never felt so alone with all these technologies
you use to dance like no one was watching,sing like there was music playing
the music turned us on and the things that made us feel alive
we thought we were crazy then but were awful now

no_victory @ 2007-10-31T15:38:00

2007-10-31T19:57:01Z

I don't know why I thought you could ever love me
I was only 15 but I prayed you'd be the one
you wave at me as if we're not strangers
but we're strangers in my mind
I had to run away and recapture myself
I remember trying so hard,so hard for a piece of anything
anything for you to love me

Your mistaken to find I killed that piece of mind
I don't know how to speak your language anymore
Its sad when you tell your friends,I use to love someone like that
they think your crazy and loosing it

Another time,I just turned 16..I couldn't see why you didn't love me
I threw myself and had to pick myself back up when I found
you were too far away
I anchored a ship that had tried to set sail
It was an okay substitute
It was better for me not to be stuck on you.

Your mistaken to find I killed that piece of mind
I don't know how to speak your language anymore
Its sad when you tell your friends,I use to love someone like that
they think your crazy and loosing it

I turned 17 and I had found you were still coming around
I moved away but we all still met at the same place
I knew you had someone,she loved you so much she spelled out your full name
that includes the middle name
I was happy for you but not happy for me
I still pretended to write you letters
addressed to your old bands address
I'm older now but somehow I can still remember the way you speak